Numb

My hands is tied
Reason that full of lies
Even if I tried
Every word is undecided

Every effort I make
Became a big mistake
Hard for you to intake
All of them are fake

Sometimes it’s hard to take
Every action you create
Simple words i hate
I become deaf
Static words that i think
I don’t believe you

You’re the reason for all of this
I won’t listen again
Cu’z my mind is empty
I don’t want you to be happy

What are you?

same thing happen
another hater was born
he want me to be silent
it won't happen cu'z i'm different

you're part of my list
the content is endless
every phrase is a cursed

every word won't fade
by the way i'm the terror writer
i'm ruthless as ever
can't stop my anger
better start to surrender

cu'z my weapon is a murder
you're life is a disaster
every word you spit
i don't give a s**t
for another wannabe

it just getting started
read every word i said
it's all about you

Sulat (Mirah)

ilang taon ang lumipas
bawat sandali ay kumukupas
saka ko lang naalala
ang araw na tayo'y nagkakilala

aksidenteng nakita
ang bagay na matagal ng nakatago
bawat letrang nakasulat hindi parin nagbago
pilit mang hinahanap ang binagay na sulat
wala nang magawa kundi sumuko
bawat gabi ako'y tuliro

isang bagay ang natagpuan
address ng iyong tirahan
sana'y di ka lumipat ng lugar
para ang liham ko'y makarating

pasensiya na kaibigan
sa tagal ng panahon
saka lang kita natagpuan
kahit di pa tayo nagkita ng harapan
alam kong wala paring nagbago

oras at panahon ang aking kailangan
matapos lang ang gustong ibigay
pangako ibibigay ko agad
para iyong matanggap at mabasa

liham na galing sa dating kaibigan
kahit walang kaalam-alam kung ano ang nangyari
marami paring pwede mangyari

pwedeng mabigo o magtagumpay
ngayon palang pwede na kong magpugay
salamat sa bawat oras
tawanang walang humpay
kahit minsa'y tinatago ang lungkot

kahit hindi sabihin
ramdam ko parin
bawat sakit dinadaan na lang sa tawa

ano man ang mangyari
habang-buhay ang ating pagkakaibigan

Sulat

Nalulungkot ako ‘pag tayo ay hindi nagkakasundo
Pero mas mahirap naman
Kung wala tayong pagkukusa
Para ituwid ang ating mga pagkakamali, hindi ba?

Sinusubukan ko namang intindihin
At alamin ang iyong panig at mga opinyon
Ganoon din ako…
Pinipilit ko ring linawin ang aking paliwanag
Sa mga bagay-bagay upang maintindihan mo ako.

Kahit mahirap plantsahin ang mga gusot na ating nagawa
Ayos lang, Panget!

Dahil handa akong isugal ang buong buhay ko
Para alamin ang totoong ikaw
Nang hindi nawawala
Ang aking pagtingin, pagsuyo at higit sa lahat, pagmamahal.

Sandalan

masakit sa parte ko
ang makita kang bigo
sa maling naranasan
kaya't ika'y malungkot
at hindi makalimot

okay lang yan
ilabas mo lahat
sakit na natanggap
kahit ano pa yan
handa akong makinig
basta ika'y nakatitig

sa aking mga mata na parang nangungusap
pangako hindi ako magpapanggap
lahat gagawin sa abot ng aking makakaya
para ang isipan ay lumaya

ilagay ang ulo sa aking balikat
kahit abutin ng umaga ika'y pakikinggan
hanggang ang sakit ay mawala
masakit na sinapit ay isa na lang alaala

Confession of a Writer

Some things may happen without knowing, yep you heard me, here’s some things that I want to share for all of you, it’s okay if some of you ignore this because it’s nothing just full of something, nah just kidding 

A lot of you know the real story about my pen name or some of them don’t hmmmmmmmm…….okay for all those who doesn’t know what’s behind may name when I write ahmmmmm…here’s a little summary behind it.

Way back 2005 I met a girl thru chat tv and her name is Beverly, at first were destined to be together, same month, same year and same age. I thought all of it is forever between the two of us but some things happen without my expectation.

It’s natural when two opposite sex are in a relationship and keep on arguing, there’s a reason why, for me it’s about misunderstanding.

A certain explaination about the situation after that back to reality isn’t it?

Some things happen over and over after one month, she keeps on nagging even simple things she scold me, I know I love her that’s why I don’t want to argue and apologize but all the things I made is just another story, in the end she broke up with me even in the first place her reason is she want to be single in short, she want to rest for a while and enjoy the things around her but that’s not it actually, her second reason is her cousin doesn’t like me according to her while I’m talking to her thru phone but deep inside of me it’s not her main reason at all, after that non-sense conversation I ask myself why? Why it always happen to me, I give everything in the name of love but the consequences is unexpected and painful memories, everyday I woke up my mind is blank or should I say totally spaced because of things happen, some of my friends always say “it’s alright” for them but for me it’s really…really..really hard.

Hard to start over because of the pain that left thru my personality, after having a hard time to recover I tried to view her account in a social network and some things happen again, even we didn’t talk I discover something, she’s in a relationship again with another guy or should I say best friend ouch!

After what I discover about her I felt more hatred, in short she’s making fun of me and our relationship is just full of lies even in the first place I don’t want to accept it cu’z I’m totally hurt, the wrong doings that make my heart shattered like glass.

Even I really hate her I made a decision, it’s time to move on but there’s one thing that It became very to clear to me, even were in a relationship that time she’s in a relationship with her best friend, in short I’m just a spare time it sucks!

After what happen I made a decision, I need to forget everything about her, you heard me.
Some things happen again while walking home and the sun doesn’t shine, rain start to fall from above, I didn’t run what i did is walk slowly until I get home, while walking I’m thinking even my head is blank, I look in the heaven and stare, I feel every drop of rain coming from my face, everytime I watch them fall from the ground I felt something, I’m not okay but there’s one thing I do, I bury all my emotion thru the rain all of it, that time something pop out on my head, she has no reason why she left me, she have but already three, not one, not ten but only three, until now she didn’t know about what happen to me right now cu’z I don’t care anymore because it’s just another sad ending that cannot became a happy ending for me, all of it is just history.

that's the reason behind my pen name, a girl named beverly is the reason why i became a writer. 

Painful August

single drop of water fall from above
hard to hold hard to receive
the color is clear but pure
pain is temporary cure

i bury all the emotions i felt
no reason why you left
put a hole inside my heart
including my soul
it's hard to make it a whole

every fifteenth day of the month
it's all coming back
the things you did
the pain that's hard to fade
it's a mistake that already made

if we met again i'll do one thing
i'll whisper on your ear and say

WHY?

Moon Above

Reflective broken glass
Calmed as the whistling wind-
Stare at you feel spaced 

No Throne

world go round
i'll bury you on the ground
you're life is hunted
i want you dead

you're words disgust me
it didn't impress me
start ranting
i'm not kidding
you'll fall just like your king

you call yourself a prince
where's your throne?
i didn't see anyone

f**k you pretender
i'll make you bow
until you admit your damn wrong

Mr.Impress

you thought everyone is amaze
broaden your f@&*ing mind
your words is a disgrace
idiots are afraid to realize

every word has no soul
just like you who considered a fool
became a puppet and a tool

all you want is praised
every single phrase is a disgrace
you're doing it just for applaud
in reality you're a fraud

all you want is fame
deep inside you're losing the game
even you got a reward
still you're a retard

Hatred

Dimness within him
Empty soul heartless being-
Saving for infidel.

Adieu

Time to be estranged
Thanks for the memoirs joint -
It will never diminish

For the Girl Who Doesn't Exist

because of you i'm everyday blessed
i'm glad that we've met and i'm totally inspired
but all of them are just an illusion
that i hate to return

it's been eight months for the two of us
with no communication thru phone
even we talk on the net
the time is effortless and short

we've met by coincidence again
even in the first place you've become impatience
i can see thru your eyes that you're not happy
even i want to scream at you
all i can do is reply with a fake smile
the pain is gone for a while

after you say goodbye in front of me
it's still the same
that i cannot to show
even you ask how
i won't take it slow

this is end for the two of us
i'm letting you go
even the pain is deep
you've left a hole thru my heart and soul
it will take years to make it a whole

Sugal na walang Kasiguraduhan (sawi sa pag-ibig story)

Way back year 2000 during freshmen year sa isang computer school sa Carmona, bago ko makapasok sa nasabing school ay inasikaso ko muna lahat ng requirements ko sa dating school na pinasukan ko bago ko makalipat sa iba, nung nakalipat na ko ng sa school na gusto kong pasukan ay akala ko’y magiging okay ang unang taon ko yun pala’y hindi.

Around July na ko nakapasok sa school na nalipatan ko kagaya nga ng sinabi ko eh marami akong inasikaso, nung first week ko palang sa bagong school na nalipatan ko ay masaya at halos lahat ng classmate ko ay naging ka-close ko lalo na yung isang babae na kahawig ni Joanne Quintas na hindi pinalad sa height pero kahit ganon pa man eh cute parin siya lalo na pag ngumingiti siya ika nga eh ngiting panalo o kaya eh feeling mo nasa langit ka pag nakita mo siyang nakangiti. Her name is Edna nung una parang wala lang sakin ang ganda niya dahil feeling ko common ang itsura niya, madalas ko siyang kasama pati yung iba pa naming classmate kahit saan kasama ko siya, gala sa mall at sa kalokohan kahit pag p.e. namin nagtatawanan kami kapag may nagkakamali o di kaya’y nag-aasaran, kapag naisip ng isang classmate namin na huwag pumasok majority hindi talaga kami papasok kahit may kj pero okay lang ganon talaga buhay estudyante.

One time nagtanong ako sa isang classmate namin na ka-close niya na out of nowhere bigla ko na lang naitanong

“May boyfriend na ba si Edna?”

“Uy bakit type mo siya no?” pang-aasar sakin

Dinaan ko na lang sa ngiti pero buking parin ako pero inasar ulit ako.

“Hahaha…sabi ko na type mo siya eh”

Hindi parin ako nagpahalata pero wala na kong nagawa kundi umamin sa isang bagay na alam kong sugal talaga, sinabi ko ang dahilan kung bakit gusto ko siya kaya kinilig naman yung kausap ko na halos di na maalis ang ngiti niya, maya-maya’y tinanong niya ulit ako.

“Ano pala plano mo, liligawan mo siya?”

Seryosong sagot ang ginanti ko, isang malaking “Oo”

Wala pa talaga kong balak ligawan si Edna nung panahon na yun pero napansin kong mukhang mapapaaga ata ang gagawin kong move kaya hindi na muna ko nagsalita ng kung ano-ano pa dahil baka mabuking agad ang gagawin ko.

Dumating ang midterm exam hindi ko muna iniisip ang balak kong gawin sa love life ko dahil focus muna ko sa pag-aaral, inisip ko na pagkatapos ng midterm ko sabihin ang totoong nararamdaman ko sa kanya para hindi pressure sa kanya kaya hinayaan ko lang muna ang mga bagay na magaganap. Tapos na ang midterm kaya pwede na ulit mag-petiks at mag-good time isang bagay ang ginawa ko bago matulog kahit late na ang oras bigla akong naghanap ng stationary sa cabinet ng pinsan ko para kumuha, hindi naman ako nabigo dahil may nakita akong last piece at sinimulang magsulat, dinaan ko sa love letter ang pag-amin ko sa nararamdaman ko dahil that time di ko kayang sabihin sa kanya sa personal in short “Torpe” ako, mula umpisa kung pano ko na-fall sa kanya kahit alam kong sugal ang mangyayari.

Kinabukasan maaga akong nagising para pumasok sa school kaya’t nag-ayos na ko ng sarili para umalis at excited sa mangyayari sa araw ding yun, last subject na namin at ilang minuto na lang tapos na ang klase namin, sa pinakalikod sa gitna ako nakaupo habang yung nakakaalam ng nararamdaman ko kay Edna ay tatlong upuan ang pagitan sa kanan.

Sampung minuto bago matapos ang klase namin ay inabot ko sa classmate ko yung love letter na ginawa at pinagpuyatan ko, sinabi ko din na saka na niya ibigay kapag natapos na ang klase at pag wala na ko para hindi nakakahiya.

Lumipas ang limang araw, balik ulit sa normal ang lahat one time biglang nagkayayaan na gumala pagkatapos ng klase akala ko sa malapit lang pupunta yun pala’y sa Alabang buti na lang ready ako kung sakaling mapagastos, kagaya ng inaasahan ay mapapagastos nga ko dahil kumain kami sa Jollibee buti na lang may budget ako.

Pagkatapos naming kumain ay nag-ikot-ikot muna kami para bumaba ang kinain, habang naglalakad ay biglang lumapit sakin ang isang classmate ko na pinagbigyan ko ng love letter, nagulat ako dahil may sagot na siya sa ginawa ko pero bago ko palang buksan yung sulat na binigay sakin ay kinutuban na agad ako, eto naman ako si t@**a binuksan yung sulat para malaman ang nilalaman at binasa habang naglalakad ng mabagal para maintindihan ko ang nilalaman.

Pagkatapos kong basahin bigla na lang akong nawalan ng gana mag-enjoy at magsaya dahil sa salitang nakasulat ay talagang namang masakit, isang salita na talagang dumurog sa puso ko.

“I’m inlove with someone else and I don’t like you”

Gusto ko mang umiyak pero hindi ko ginawa dahil mabubuking ako kaya di na lang ako nagsasalita pag nagkakatuwaan sila dahil spaced na utak ko nung mga panahon na yun kaya bigla silang nagtaka sa ginawa ko.

“Huy anong nangyari sayo, bat ang tahimik mo?”

“Wala may iniisip lang ako, huwag niyo ko intindihin okay lang ako”

Ang totoo hindi talaga ko okay dahil sa nabasa ko sa sulat in short basted ako kay Edna, habang naglalakad-lakad kami sa mall ay bigla nilang naisipang bumaba sa second floor gamit ang escalator dahil nasa third floor kami habang kasama ko sila, ang ginawa ko nagpahuli ako sa kanila, hindi ko na inisip kung hahanapin ba nila ko o hindi kung sakaling nawala ako sa paningin nila at kagaya nga ng inaasahan ko hindi ako hinanap maliban sa isang classmate naming lalaki na patingin-tingin sa paligid nagbaka-sakaling makita ako pero nabigo sa paghahanap.

Nag-solo akong gumala sa mall at umiiwas sa ibang lugar para hindi nila ko makita nag-iisip ng kung ano-ano kahit pilit ko pinapasaya ang sarili ko pero wala dahil masama ang loob ko hanggang sa paguwi ko sa bahay at sa pagtulog hindi ko makalimutan ang nangyari sakin.

Lumipas ang ilang araw pagkatapos ng nangyari sa mall medyo naiisip ko parin ang nangyayari kahit konti, Hindi ko narin siya kinakausap kapag magkakasama kami o nagkukulitan one time nagulat ako dahil may bago silang kasamang lalaki na moreno na matangkad at panay ang dikit kay Edna, akala ko suitor niya kasi madalas niyang kasama kahit saan, nagkaron lang ng sagot ang tanong ko nung makita kong magka-holding hands sila at minsan pa nga’y nagtutukaan sila ng palihim lalo na pag nasa loob ng campus.

Natapos lang ang pagiging sawi ko kay Edna nung natapos na ang semester at nung lumipat ako ng school.

All I Have

i don't care about your past
i'm praying it will be the last
for you to cry
i'll be there to make you smile
even it's a hundred mile.

i don't care if someone buys you nice thing
one thing i want to ask
does his gift comes from the heart
i'll strive if you're mine
the two of us we'll never be apart.

endless feelings is all i can give
i'll be happy if you smile and received
a million thanks from above
co'z my prayers have been answered
even in the first place i'm not prepared.

i can't promise you anything
one thing for sure that i can guarantee
i promise to love you more than my ex
do the things i didn't do for them
co'z my heart and soul is already yours.

Sad Fate

The world is spinning your lucky if your safe everyday your unlucky unexpected happen to you while walking you didn’t notice he’s staring at you in a dark alley waiting for you to come out of the light, it happen he got the chance you have no choice but to run but too late you caught off guard what did you do? He’s pointing a gun at your head with a devilish look in his eye he didn’t feel any mercy for you, he didn’t want your clothes all he want is your money your begging for your life but he’s ear is covered all he can hear is someone nothing but to shoot you, you hear the awful sound when he pulled the trigger blood scattered you stop breathing but your eyes is open while staring at the moon who’s the only witness about your sad fate, he’s gone while laughing because you’re on of his victim no one’s there to help you, no one is there to avenge you co’z your alone. 

the man without fame

you thought you can buy me
you thought you're the son of bill gates
you thought you're so blessed
just shut up and listen

you thought you're number one
you thought you're genius
but you're wrong
co'z your rude

you thought you can have my heart
you thought you can have my soul
you thought you can buy my talent
but you're dead wrong

you can't owe me even a single dime
you thought you can have my trust
but your d@*n brain is rust
you thought you can scare me
think again co'z i don't care

you thought i'm kind
but you're wrong again
co'z i'm ruthless
you're nothing
you're just a small fry
even have so many tries
you're worthless